


No Zippers in the Uniforms

by whiteraven1606



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Advice, Angst, Characters Reading Fanfiction, Characters Writing Fanfiction, Darcy's Intern, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Identity Issues, Kinks, Prompt Fill, Spies & Secret Agents, Spoilers, Steve Has Issues, Steve Rogers and the 21st Century, Tropes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-07
Updated: 2015-12-20
Packaged: 2018-01-18 11:19:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1426567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whiteraven1606/pseuds/whiteraven1606
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve reads fan fiction and is more dismayed at the errors in details than anything else.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Research, please?

**Author's Note:**

> One, the way the characters react or talk about a pairing or kink is solely based on how I think that character would react. I am not bashing anyone's writing or kinks or pairings.
> 
> Two, I put the first chapter of this up on the LJ kinkmeme and got no response whatsoever, so I'm not fussing with LJ to continue to post it there because it takes me forever to get LJ to accept anything from me. The link for the prompt is at: http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/18271.html?thread=42862687#t42862687
> 
> Three, there will be spoilers for Captain America: Winter Soldier after the second chapter. I know I put in the spoiler tag, but I'm reiterating just in case.
> 
> Lastly, for those of you that don't like hard scene transitions, this may not be the fic for you. I hard transition in all my writing, I always have.

****

"Tony!"

Tony frowned at the connection he was trying to solder. "What, Steve?"

"When did you tell JARVIS to stop filtering my search results?"

Tony looked up at that. "I never..." He cocked his head. "J?"

"I have endeavored to give Captain Rogers the most relevant results possible in his Internet travels, Sir."

"Uh huh." Tony flicked the soldering iron off, because this was obviously going to take some time. "Steve..."

Steve waved a tablet at him. "I'm not upset about the filtering. Some help in the first month or so was invaluable, but, Tony, who lets this happen?"

Tony squinted at the screen of the tablet Steve was waving around. "Let's what happen, exactly?"

"They don't even have it right!" Steve sat the tablet down onto the edge of Tony's desk. "Does no one do any research before they publish?"

Bruce stopped in the doorway. "Uhm. I've come at a bad time." He started to back up. "I'll just...go away now."

Tony grabbed Steve by his forearm and steered him towards Bruce. "No, no, Bruce. Just the man we wanted to see. You talk Steve through his identity crisis from finding whatever he found on the Internet while I finish repairing the armor."

Bruce frowned. "Steve's been on the Internet without supervision?"

Steve huffed. "I'm a grown man, gentlemen. I can handle the...the porn. I just can't...Look that this, Bruce." He grabbed up the tablet and headed for Bruce, who glanced around wildly for a place to escape to. "Look, they have _zippers_ in the uniform pants!"

"Uhm, what?"

Tony blinked and put down the soldering iron he had just started to pick up. "What?"

Steve flicked the screen and pushed the tablet into Bruce's hands. "Here, read it. It is awful."

Bruce pushed his glasses up his nose and read, scrolling down with one finger as his eyebrows climbed. "Uhm. This is real person slash. You, uh..." He glanced at Steve. "You know what that means, Steve?"

"That I figured out. There's lots of pairings and creative names for them too. The Stark Spangled Banner one I thought was great. It made me giggle, but this one." He pointed at something on the screen. "Look, she's got a Colonel calling me 'sir.' That isn't right. And the zippers. _Zippers_ , Bruce."

"I, uh, I saw that mentioned." Bruce lowered the tablet. "You aren't upset about the pairings?"

Steve took the tablet back from Bruce. "No. Why? Should I be?"

Tony shook his head. "That's precious right there." He leaned around Steve to read the tablet's screen. "You're from the Forties, Capsicle. It wasn't exactly the poster decade for tolerance of homosexuals."

Steve sighed. "You know, I can see how people forget that there's _people_ in the past and people don't always reflect what's written about the time period they lived in, but, but _this_. This could be just looked up now. The author didn't even do any research!" He turned his head towards Tony. "There's not zippers in the combat uniforms now, are there?"

"Ahhh, last I knew there weren't. Zippers make noise after all."

"Do you know I read one where they were using gun oil for... _other_ things." Steve shook his head. "We didn't even have enough to actually oil the guns with most of the time. And the socks. They never get those right either."

Bruce traded looks with Tony. "Uhm, Steve..."

Steve turned back towards Bruce. "I'm not upset about the pairings. People can...ship, they call it shipping, can ship whoever with whomever they please, sure. I don't even mind the making me a virgin all the time, that's just because I'm seen as pure or wholesome. I can live with that. It is just...Do you know they completely forget that one of my Commandos was Asian in most stories?"

Tony pushed on Steve's arm. "Okay. That's it. Just comment on the stories with links to the wiki page they need to read and it'll be fine."

Bruce kept pace with them as Tony shoved on Steve to get him moving. "If you comment remember to tell them what you did like. You don't want to be completely negative."

Steve nodded. "Right. I'm not out to flame any of them. Just...zippers."

Bruce patted Steve's shoulder as Tony pushed him into the elevator. "I agree. The zippers are truly horrifying, Steve."

As soon at the elevator's doors closed Tony leaned against the wall next to the door. "Holy shit."

Bruce blinked. "He knows what flaming is."

"That's not the worst part."

"Really?"

Tony shook his head. "He knows ship names, Bruce."

"Ah. Yes, I was trying to not think about that part. I avoid the fanfiction of us for a reason."

"You just don't like anything they write about the Big Guy."

"There's porn in the Hulk tag, Tony. I consider that far more horrifying than the zippers."

Tony giggled. "I wonder if Steve's read any..."

"Shut up, Tony."

Tony slid down the wall as he laughed harder.

Bruce crouched beside him. "I'm not going to be sympathetic if you have trouble catching your breath."

Tony shook his head and kept right on laughing.

****

By the time Steve had gotten back to his room, JARVIS had helpfully put links to the relevant wiki pages in a little column down one side of Steve's main computer screen.

Steve carefully commented on every story with inaccuracies. He made sure to tell them what they'd gotten right, or at least praised them for writing if there was nothing right in their story. He gently reminded people about having an integrated squad. He pointed out the parachutes hadn't worked _that_ way. 

It was exhausting, but Steve went to sleep that night certain that at least a few of the next batch of stories would be _better_.

****

Clint frowned at Darcy as he played _Words with Friends_ with JARVIS on his phone. "What's wrong?"

Darcy sighed. "I woke up to comments this morning."

"I thought you liked getting comments." Clint put a bowl of cereal in front of Darcy. "Oooh, where they mean ones? What'd you call those...flames, right?"

"Yeah, flames, but no, no. These are all...earnest. Nice, but they keep pointing out...stuff."

"Stuff?"

Darcy sighed as she poked her spoon into her bowl. "I don't do details, you know? I just...write at the muse says I must, so I've got certain things wrong."

Clint propped his chin on his hand. "What certain things?"

"Oh, you know the cliche stuff like gun oil as lube and evidently zippers aren't in military uniform pants? I didn't even consider that, I mean, who cares if I've got them unzipping before sex?"

Clint nodded with his hand still propping up his chin. "Uh huh. Wait...cliche? Really? People think gun oil can be lube? Eeeew."

Darcy rolled her eyes as she huffed. "I thought we agreed you wouldn't judge me."

"I'm not judging you. Just everyone else on the Internet, that's all." Clint wrinkled his nose. "Gun oil, really?"

Darcy pinched the bridge of her nose. "It can be sexy."

"Ooooh. You mean it's a kink." Clint sat up. "I can totally see that. Okay, so, who says you have to be accurate? It's your story, right? Well, not your characters, since you do that fanficy stuff, but totally your story."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. So, I say write how you want it to go and don't worry about _what_ they say, be happy they took the time to comment."

Darcy perked up. "That's right. It is my story. Ooooh. I should write something just for them. They commented anon, but they called themselves 'CapInTime' and they mentioned thinking Stark Spangled Banner was a novelty." Darcy stood up. "I'll just go do that right now." She kissed Clint on the temple. "Thanks."

Clint leaned back in his chair. "JARVIS, does she mean who I think she means by Stark Spangled Banner?"

"Most likely."

"Ooooh, crap."

****


	2. How many hands?

****

Steve moved to D.C. at Director Fury's request and didn't get to check the fanfiction archives he followed for a couple of weeks because he was running around putting out SHEILD's fires. He raised his eyebrows at Awesome_Intern's newest story being a gift to his online identity. "That was nice of her."

He put down the tablet three chapters in and sighed. "Why can't she at least do some research?" He squinted at the corner of the living room that was still squeaking. He'd looked for the listening device he was hearing, but hadn't found it yet. He mentally smirked. "You'd think if she was going to write a threesome she'd count the number of hands involved during sex."

Pleased with himself, Steve tucked the tablet away and headed out for a morning run.

****

Natasha frowned Director Fury. "Why do you think he's unbalanced?"

Director Fury rolled his eye at her. "Do you know of anytime that Captain Rogers has ever uttered the word 'sex' in the same sentence as 'threesome,' Agent Romanoff?"

Natasha kept her amusement from showing on her face. "I'll talk to him about it."

"Thank you. I have enough awkward conversations with him as it is."

Natasha smirked as she exited the Director's office. She frowned at Sitwell's body language as she passed him going down the hall. "You're on ship assignment next week, right?"

He nodded and smiled that little smile that had always annoyed Coulson. "That's right, Agent Romanoff."

"Don't drown." Natasha moved on before he could think of something to say to that.

She headed down to the garage and frowned at the empty parking spot next to hers. It bugged her that Clint was off trying to contain that creature in London, that was chasing pigeons, without her. The last he'd texted her was that Darcy had an intern of her own now and he thought they'd be having baby interns any day.

Natasha slipped into her car and maneuvered out of the building and across the bridge into the city. She drove, playing with the other traffic as she made a circuit that would end near Steve's apartment.

****

Steve pursed his lips when he caught sight of Natasha leaning against the side of that sleek SHEILD car of hers. "Natasha."

She smiled with one side of her mouth. "Captain."

He looked at her as they headed up the stairs to his apartment. "What have I said about the rank, Natasha?"

She smirked as she lunged against the wall next to his door. "I forget."

He shook his head and let her into his apartment ahead of him. "No, you don't."

Natasha ran fingers over the front edge of one of the shelves as Steve pulled off his jacket and hung it up. "Made any friends yet?"

Steve watched her straighten his tablet with a fingertip as he poured water for himself and grabbed a sealed bottle of water for her. "I have plenty of friends." He nodded toward the tablet. "There's even a young lady out there writing stories for me."

Natasha grinned. "Really? Are they good stories?"

Steve shrugged as he held out a bottle of water to her. "Sort of."

"Sort of? That sounds complicated."

Steve waited for Natasha to sit before he sat across from her and tilted his head so the squeak from the corner wouldn't bother him too much. "She's a good kid, but she's got all sorts of errors in the details."

Natasha checked the seal on her water bottle and watched the bottle carefully as she opened it up. "What sort of errors?"

"Well, in the one where she ships Bucky and me she's got zippers in the uniform pants."

Natasha blinked hard as she lowered the bottle from where she'd been sniffing it. "You and Barnes?"

Steve reached for the tablet as he put down his glass of water. "Yes. Her latest one is Stark Spangled Banner and there's enough detail errors to make it hard for me to read."

Natasha's eyebrows were raised when he turned back towards her. "You know what shipping _is_ , right?"

He gave her his best you're-not-amusing look as he passed the tablet to her. "Yes. I even know how many hands are involved in a threesome."

"So I heard." Natasha put the tablet down on the coffee table. "Steve..."

Steve grabbed up his glass of water. "Please, don't tell me I shouldn't read the stories."

She closed her mouth for a second before tilting her head. "How do you know the writer is female?"

Steve pulled up the author's profile page. "She says so here. And, yes, before you say it, I know that doesn't actually mean she's really female, but that's what she wants to be seen as so that's how I'm going to refer to her as."

Natasha scanned the profile page. "She's an...intern."

"Uh huh." Steve leaned back. "I like her because she gets Thor's voice nearly right. She never makes him stupid, but she hits him with cars a lot."

"Hmm." Natasha touched the link to the list of stories. "She sure likes tagging things."

Steve nodded. "I don't understand some of the references, but that's nothing new."

"She has one of Clint and me."

"Uhm. I haven't read that one."

Natasha glanced up at him. "Why not?"

Steve leaned forward. "This symbol means the rating is explicit so there's...sex and you're a lady. So..."

Natasha smirked as she touched the link to the story. "You are adorable."

Steve rolled his eyes. "Thanks."

****


	3. Prompt, please?

****

Clint frowned as Erik sidled away from him behind Thor. "Yeah, sorry, I'll just..." He started backing away. 

Thor caught his arm gently. "You need not leave."

Clint leaned away until Darcy slipped past him and patted his arm in Thor's hold. 

"Morning, muscles." She patted Thor's chest. "More muscles." She poked Erik in the side. "Erik, you remember that Clint isn't under Loki's control, right?"

Erik blinked and looked down at himself. "I...yes, I remember that." He frowned. "I don't have my pants."

Darcy made a face and pushed on Erik's shoulder. "How about you go find pants? Thor will have pancakes done when you come back."

Clint slipped from Thor's hold. "My being here isn't helping him."

Darcy sighed. "I'm pretty sure there's no real helping him." She shoved on Thor's side. "I demand pancakes."

Thor frowned at the door Erik had disappeared through. "Yes, Jane seems to think you believe me to be only capable of cooking this one item of food."

Darcy pulled Clint over to the bar and sat him down before sitting beside him. "Maybe I just like how you make them all crispy with Mur-mur." She opened her tablet and poked at it.

"How goes the story writing stuff?"

Darcy glanced at him and then at Ian as he wandered into the room. "Okay, I guess. That anon I wrote for hasn't said anything about the story I wrote them."

Clint pulled the tablet a little closer. "Maybe real life is being a bitch to them."

Darcy sighed. "Well, I just hope they didn't get killed or something and didn't get to read it."

Thor put a plate of pancakes down between them. "What stories do you spin, Darcy?"

Darcy pulled Ian to sit on the other side of her from Clint. "Just, you know, stuff."

Clint bit the inside of his cheek at Thor's confused expression. "She writes fiction about us."

Darcy smacked him in the arm. "Clint!"

"What? Be proud of it. You spent a lot of time writing this stuff, didn't you?"

"Well, yeah, but you shouldn't just..." She looked at Thor. "You aren't going to be mad if I, hypothetically, ship you with someone other than Jane, are you?"

Thor raised his eyebrows. "To where does this ship go?"

Clint snorted. "No, no. She is using ship as slang that means she's putting you in a romantic relationship with someone else for the story."

"Ah." Thor smiled at Darcy. "These 'ships' are only for your storytelling?"

Darcy nodded as she stuffed her mouth with pancake.

Thor leaned his forearms on the counter across from Darcy. "Regal me with your shipping stories."

Jane yawned as she passed behind Thor to get to the coffee machine. "Shipping?" She frowned at an empty coffee cup before turning towards Darcy. "Did you write more Thor/Steve porn?"

Darcy put her hands up. "I told you that was for a prompt."

Jane hummed as she poured herself a cup of coffee.

Ian picked up a plate of pancakes. "I'll just take this to Erik."

Darcy waved her fork at his retreating back. "See if I write you more tentacle porn, coward."

Ian winced, but kept going.

Clint turned his head. "Tentacle porn?"

"Kink. Don't judge me."

"I wasn't judging. We've been over that." Clint took a sip of his orange juice. "I totally have to remember to tell Nat about that male pregnancy one of yours. She'll love it."

Thor looked from one of them to another. "Male pregnancy is unusual for Midgard?"

Clint nearly chocked himself swallowing at that. "Uhm." He coughed and fended off Darcy's unhelpful slap to his back. "No, not usual, as in never happens."

Jane squinted at Thor over her coffee cup's rim. "Can you carry a fetus?"

Thor shrugged. "It would take little modification to do so, but presently I can not."

Clint bit his lip as Jane gave a relived sigh.

Darcy rolled her eyes. "He's a fertility god, Jane. I'm pretty sure that unless you specifically asked him not to knock you up you're already hatching."

Jane's hand flew to her stomach. "Uhm..."

Thor gathered her close with an arm. "Let us speak of this in private."

Darcy cackled as they stepped outside. "That was awesome."

Clint speared more pancakes for his plate with his fork. "You are evil."

"Only a little bit and only for the greater good." Darcy put her chin in her hand and looked at him. "What would you want to see written, Mister I'm-okay-with-your-kinks-but-not-really?"

Clint poured syrupy on his pancakes. "I'm fine with your kinks, Darcy. Just as long as you don't ask me to preform them in real life." He glanced at her staring at him. "Uhm...Well, you know I'd really like to see the small guy top."

"Which pairing?"

Clint shrugged. "I don't care...Oooh, actually Banner is always shy and shit. What about him with someone?"

Darcy pursed her lips. "I'm always a little worried someday Hulk is going to come find and smash me for writing Bruce. Besides I just did that one with Dr. Banner in it."

"Nah. I don't think the Big Guy reads too much." Clint fiddled with his fork. "What about Steve and someone topping him? You like writing porn about him, don't you?"

With a pleased expression, Darcy opened a new document on her tablet. "He's all muscley. And dat ass."

"Uh huh. His ass is pretty tight." Clint's phone beeped and he pulled it out to read his daily text from Natasha. "Just don't have him taking someone without proper lube just because he heals fast, all right?"

Darcy waved a hand at him. "Sure, sure. Go away, I'm writing."

Clint put their dishes into the sink and ran enough water for them to soak in before going to eavesdrop on the baby making conversation.

****

With teasing from Natasha spurring him on, Steve made it through the rest of the gift story from Awesome_Intern. He carefully crafted his thank you comment to include only the very wrost of the errors in detail and made certain to tell her how happy he was that she'd spent time writing something for him.

He folded the computer screen down carefully so he wouldn't break the hinge again and moved over to the corner he could swear had a listening device in it. He stood and listened for a while trying to pinpoint the noise, but it turned off again. He was staring to wonder if there wasn't a camera in his apartment somewhere to go with the listening device.

He opened the most annoying moving looped picture he could find from the Internet and left that showing on his computer as he went into the kitchen to fix his dinner.

****

Natasha tucked her legs up under herself as she went through the list of stories from the intern writer that she was starting to think was that kid with the iPod Coulson had mentioned to her when he'd been telling her to watch out for illness in Barton because he'd stood watch in the rain during Thor's first vist to Earth.

Natasha looked up the report to get the right name, Darcy. She went back to the stories and laughed at the one where Darcy had paired Steve with his entire team of Commandos. Steve was right that the details on the uniforms, food, weapons, and even environment were mistake riddled messes. 

Going through the comments, Natasha frowned at someone telling Darcy that how she had the orgy evolving was unrealistic. She snorted at the comment that was obviously Steve's with the earnest please research sandwiched between the compliment on realistic dick sizes and the compliment on including all the Commandos.

Natasha filtered a search to give her all of CapInTime's comments and shook her head at all the corrections and compliments Steve had given out in a four hour period. He had to be able to read faster than he let on. She made a mental note to slip something shocking into his next briefing and time how long it took him to turn red.

Natasha glanced at her phone as it beeped to let her know that she had a text from Clint. She read his reply to her asking if Darcy did indeed write and smiled. She tapped out a reply to let him know that Steve was reading Darcy's writing and nearly giggled as she sent it.

This was shaping up to be the most fun she'd had all month.

****


	4. Thoughts?

****

Clint reread the last message from Natasha. "Ooooh, shit."

Jane and Thor abruptly stopped murmuring to each other to look up at him.

Clint winced and waved a little at them. "Sorry. I wasn't meaning about you two."

Jane rolled her eyes. "What was it about?"

Clint waved his phone at them. "Nat thinks Darcy wrote fic for Steve. Neither Cap or Darcy know about them being those screen names."

Thor looked from Clint to Jane. "Should they not be told?"

Jane made a face. "Uh, probably not. Darcy would quit writing and then she'd be back to verbally telling me all her fantasies and I'm not as good at tuning her out these days."

Nodding, Clint dropped down from his vantage point. "Not to mention Steve would be mortified."

Thor looked thoughtful as he opened the door for them to go back inside.

****

Darcy started and discarded several pairings for Clint's gift. She didn't want hate sex or anything dubcon because she thought it'd be an issue for Clint to read. He made faces about the last one she'd done where Steve was paired with Howard Stark in the past. Though that might have been because Clint knew Tony Stark in real life. That had to be a little weird.

She cocked her head. The only person he'd said besides Steve was Banner. Darcy twirled a curl of her hair. If Clint didn't think Hulk would smash her she could probably go with Banner. She wasn't coming up with any other guys she figured that Steve would allow to top him.

****

Fury cocked an eyebrow at Natasha. "You think it'll be a problem?"

She shrugged. "Rogers seems more amused than anything. He's critiquing people's research skills. If it gets out I'd expect him to shrug off any bad publicity."

"Do you think the rest of the Avengers could shrug it off just as easily?"

"I think Stark would have a hay day with it and he'd remind people that we have a Hulk."

Fury rolled his eye. "That'll be a huge help, I'm sure." He turned to stand by his wall and pulled up the display of a hijacked SHEILD ship. "I have a concern and I need you to gather some intelligence for me during the rescue operation."

Natasha cocked her head as she studied the layout. "Where's the ship's security detail?"

"They were overtaken."

"No pirates died doing so?" She frowned at Fury's headshake because that meant something was off with the whole thing. SHEILD didn't have agents that simple pirates could overtake that cleanly. "You think something is wrong?"

Fury's expression was completely blank which made her even more worried. "I don't know what to think. That's why I need you to get me more information."

"Am I going alone?"

"No, you'll be with Cap's team."

Natasha turned her head to stare at Fury's profile. "He's not going to know about my extra mission, is he?"

Fury shook his head as he handed her one of his special thumbnail drives. "Not if we can help it. I don't want to have him give me the disappointed in you speech he's so good at. All you're allowed to tell him if he asks is that you have another mission."

"If you didn't send him out to clean up every operation that goes the least bit sideways he wouldn't give you that speech."

Fury settled into his chair with a sigh. "He needs _something_ to do."

Natasha tucked the thumbnail drive into her bra and settled it against her breastbone. "He isn't stupid. He knows what you've giving him busywork."

"If I could think of something we could point him at that didn't involve running pointless laps or destroying more punching bags, I'd have already done it. Recommendation by the psychologists is to get him a significant other."

"He's starting to branch out on his own."

"Oh, yes, by reading fan written porn."

Natasha smiled. "He won't read porn with me in it because I'm a lady."

Fury dropped his head into his hand. "I didn't need that mental image, Romanoff."

Natasha laughed as she slipped out of Fury's office.

****

Clint frowned when Nat sent him a text that she and Cap were going on a rescue mission. He tried to keep himself occupied by doing the job SHEILD had shipped him off to London to do, but it was actually difficult to find a creature that only rampaged after pigeons.

He squatted and looked at the gouges in the metal edge of the empty container. "You think it's near by?"

Thor looked over the gouges and then across the empty lot in front of them. "It seems unlikely given the quiet."

"Yeah." Clint watched the pigeons along the edge of the containers watching them. "Do you have fangirls on Asgard?"

Thor blinked and cocked his head. "I do not understand."

"Fangirls...It means someone that's obsessive about whatever they are a fan of."

"Ah." Thor adjusted his wristguard with his other hand. "I have encountered this only on Midgard."

"Figures." Clint lead them back towards the car. "Darcy is sort of a fangirl. She's not bad or anything, don't get me wrong. She's just...you know..."

"I do not know." Thor clapped Clint on the shoulder as gently as he was able. "She writes the stories in her head to give them voice. It matters not that she uses our names to do so. She writes an idea of us, Hawk, not the truth of us."

"Yeah, with lots of porn."

"Sexual relations are not relaxing for your people?"

Clint leaned his forehead on the roof of the car. "Just...never ask any of the rest of the team that, would you? And, yes, they can be relaxing. It's just a little weird to have her write about me boning Nat, is all."

"Ah." Thor nodded. "You and the Lady Natasha do not couple and therefore the idea of such bothers you."

Clint made a face against the car's metal. "Uhm. More or less. Darcy keeps talking about kinks I have to go look up later."

"Darcy's manner of speech can be confusing. I find it best to nod and smile when I am uncertain as to her ideas. They are simply stories after all."

Clint lifted his head. "Is that how come she's got that one of you paired with Loki? Because you weren't paying attention to what she said?"

Thor sighed as he got into the car. "She thinks my brother is not the villain, but only a misunderstood boy whose childhood was marred by our Father's lies."

"Well, she's half right." Clint started the car as he fastened his seatbelt. "You read that one, then?"

"No." Thor fastened his seatbelt. "Jane told me the gist of the story so I might tell Darcy it was pleasant."

"Yeah. Nat did that for me for the one where she and I were paired off. You think there's a way to get Darcy fixated on some other set of celebrities?"

"I fear the works of words she would produce if we did so."

"Yeah, there's that." Clint flicked on the turn signal. "It isn't that I can't handle the kinks and stuff. I just...it's a little weird is all."

Thor nodded. "Perhaps you should find comfort in Darcy choosing to make words of us. They will stand far beyond our years."

"Actually, that's what I'm afraid of." Clint grimaced. "Don't tell her I said that. I don't want her thinking I'm judging her because I'm not. My freaking out is on me not on her."

"I will remain silent on the matter." Thor turned his head to look at Clint. "I value that you have come to me with your concerns, my friend."

"Sure." Clint shrugged. "Nat would laugh. So would Stark. I'm a little worried we'd get the Hulk if I talked to Banner about it. And I'm never going to tell Hill or Coulson. Gah." Clint smacked his forehead. "Fuck. Don't mention that I mentioned Coulson. We're not supposed to know he's alive."

"Your Fury does not take stock in Heimdall's sight?"

"Uhm. You knew?"

"Heimdall saw it while we battled and informed me upon my return to Asgard. None of our friends seem to have this knowledge, so I have spoke naught of it."

"Yeah. It might go bad on us, so Fury doesn't want anyone's hopes up. Coulson didn't want it used unless it was an Avenger that went down."

"Then well it was used for him."

Clint pulled into the driveway outside of Jane's flat. "Yeah, well that it was."

****


	5. Angry yet?

****

Steve grinned as Natasha pulled away from the curb. "Sam was a good sport this morning, don't track him just for talking to me."

"Your _every_ move isn't monitored, you know."

"Uh huh." Steve thought of the bug in the corner of his apartment that kept turning itself on and off. "How far did I run yesterday morning?"

"I don't know. About fifteen miles, why?"

Steve sighed and leaned his head against the passenger side window.

"You could always date him, if you wanted."

"No." Steve closed his eyes. "I do not want to date him."

"Just saying." Natasha took a corner a little fast. "Coming up on the bridge, Cap."

Steve sat up and straightened his hair. "What does Clint say about the stories?"

Natasha nodded to the guard as they went through. "He seems a little more squeamish than you. I have to say, you really don't seem to mind having fiction written about you."

"Well, I did start out playing a fictional character called 'Captain America.' I just never put down the role."

Natasha watched him as she pulled into her parking spot next to Clint's empty one. "Always on, huh?"

"People would like to think so." Steve popped open his door. "Come on, let's see what mess Fury is having me clean up today."

****

Steve tried to remind himself that Natasha couldn't always tell him everything. Or anything really. He settled into a chair to wait his turn to debrief. He watched Rumlow approach from the corner of his eye. The man bugged him somehow. Steve activated his phone's screen and pulled up one of the fandom sites he followed. He flicked through his bookmarks to one of the Star Spangled Banner stories he liked best.

"Cap."

Steve didn't look up. "Rumlow."

"Agent Romanoff was just doing her duty, Cap."

He kept from gritting his teeth with a tremendous force of will. "Thanks." He kept slowly scrolling until Rumlow moved away. Steve scrolled back to the top and started to read.

The talk with Fury went worse than Steve had thought it could. Steve stomped away from the whole thing while trying to make sure he didn't dent the floor. He stripped out of his uniform before heading out of SHIELD without waiting for Natasha to take him home.

He debated calling Tony until he was mad at himself for having the mental argument. He flicked the button on his phone. "JARVIS, is Tony busy?"

"Not at the moment. Would you like me to ask if he'd take your call, Captain?"

"Please, if you wouldn't mind."

There was a moment and then a soft beep.

"Hello."

"Hey, Tony." Steve tucked himself tighter into his jacket against the sharpness of the wind. "Sorry to bother you."

"It isn't...What's wrong, Steve?"

"Do you trust Natasha?"

There was a length of silence. "Trust her with what? Everything? Not really. My life? Usually. Why are you asking?"

"Something happened that she kept from me under orders from Fury and...well, it could have gone badly."

"But it didn't, is what you're implying. So. Are you mad at her or mad at you for not seeing she wasn't telling you something?"

"Why is it she keeps trying to set me up for a relationship with people?"

"Cap, drop the phone from your ear. I need video for this conversation."

Steve held the phone down in front of him and frowned at the grease Tony seemed covered in. "Are you alright?"

Tony glanced down at himself. "What? Oh, no, I'm fine." He pointed at Steve. "You aren't fine. You look...let's go with not good. You mad at you or Natasha?"

"Me, mostly."

"Uh huh. Mad at Fury?"

"Yes."

"Good for you." Tony smiled at him as he frowned. "See? You're so good you don't even know why that'd be a good thing."

"I'm not four, Tony." He sighed. "Sorry. I'm mad at Fury for making me snap at Natasha for something she was under orders on. I just...You know there's a bug in my apartment I can't find to kill, and people thinking I _need_ a romance like that'd fix everything that bothers me, and I can't even find a decent punching bag to destroy in this whole city, and Peggy is..." Steve sighed. "Why is pairing me with Peggy a rare pairing?"

"Most fanfic isn't supposed to be real or even canon in the story it is from. They ignore canon all the time to write pairings. You and Peggy, that was almost canon. So almost that it _hurts_ to think about it." Tony scratched at his goatee. "Not that you heard all this from me, mind you."

Steve tried to smile.

"See? So, here's the thing. Canon and fanon collide all the time. Makes for fireworks. It can be frustrating, but reading the whole thing...Getting to the end can be the most rewarding thing." Tony pointed at him. "You're going to be alright, Steve. Just keep reading."

"Alright." Steve waited for Tony to cut the feed. "Thanks, Tony."

****

Tony called Natasha as soon as he hung up from Steve. "You really need to tell him you don't know everything."

"Thanks. I don't need another scolding today, Tony."

"Not scolding. Just...Look he's...Think about it this way...He's behind enemy lines, but all the enemy has dressed up to look like New Yorkers and he's trying to find an escape route from an unescapable prison. Make sense?"

"No." Natasha sighed. "Sort of. You're saying he's frustrated."

"Oh, you could put it that way."

"That's why I've been trying to get him laid."

Tony gaffed. "That's not going to help. He's...well, I don't know this for certain, but I think he's demisexual."

"That makes a lot of sense. Much better than the behind enemy lines thing."

"Thanks. Look, just...stick with him. Even if it means going against...say, Clint. For a little while at least. Steve needs someone he can trust in his corner."

"I'll do what I can."

"Cool. Is there a SHIELD bug in his apartment?"

"I can't tell you that, Stark."

"Awesome. Tell those fools Steve can hear the stupid thing turn on and off."

****

Natasha called Clint. "I'm an idiot."

"No, you aren't." Clint sighed over the line. "What do you think you've screwed up?"

"I disappointed Steve and lost his trust. If I ever had it to begin with."

"Are you still hellbent on setting him up? Because, I have to say, Nat, that's not what he needs."

Natasha sighed. "That's what the experts say would help him the most."

"Oh, gods, don't listen to everything they say. They told me you weren't civilized enough to keep around. You can't go solely by what they say."

"What am I supposed to do? He's...he is slowly drowning and I'm standing just out of reach on the shore, Clint."

"Well, don't poison him like you did me, for starters."

"You were only paralyzed for a week. You really need to let that go, Clint."

Clint laughed softly over the line. "See? At least you haven't tried to kill him."

"I wasn't trying to kill you."

"I know and it saved my life later, but you still don't see me thanking you for it because you didn't ask first. You didn't tell me. That's his problem, Nat. You never just say. You fall back into silence because that's your default. That's what was beat into you. His default is always having someone to lean on. Which is why the experts are being stupid and recommending he get involved with someone."

"Why would it be stupid?"

"He doesn't need someone new to lose. Not so close to what he's already lost. He needs someone he knows to keep."

"Tell me again why Fury sent you to London and stuck me with Cap and not the other way around?" Natasha leaned her hip against her kitchen's counter.

"We both know I'd have taken him out to the farm first thing. Let him heal up some. Or I'd have talked Thor into taking him to Asgard. Something. He needs...Well, we can't give him what he needs."

"Try to get Darcy to write him something nice."

"I'm not about to tell her she's writing porn for the real Captain Amer- Oh, shit, I have to go." The phone beeped as Clint hung up.

Natasha turned and leaned over her counter and laughed until she could finally cry.

****


	6. No time to read?

****

Clint chased after Darcy as she fled the kitchen. "Darcy!"

Darcy glared over her shoulder at him as she pushed past Ian. "Fuck off! I can't believe you didn't..." She put her hand over her eyes and slumped against the nearby wall. "Clint..."

"Sorry." Clint shrugged at Ian frowning at him and patting Darcy gently on her nearer shoulder. "This is why I didn't say. He likes the stories, though, right?"

"Oh, jeez." Darcy slid down the wall and curled up into a ball. "You know what I've written about him. Ohhhhh, _for him_." She wrapped her arms over her head. "Go away."

Ian poked Clint in the side. "What is she talking about?"

"You know that commenter of her's CapInTime? Well, he's actually Captain America."

Ian blinked. "The actual one? You're taking the piss, mate."

"Seriously, the actual one." Clint crouched down by Darcy. "Hey, this isn't bad, Darcy."

Darcy shook her head under the protective wrap of her arms. "You don't know anything."

"Nope. I don't know that he thinks your writing is good or that he really liked that you remembered all his Commandos and didn't leave anyone out."

Darcy snapped her head up and glared at him. "I wrote a Commandos orgy. I'm pretty sure you know what 'orgy' means."

Clint huffed. "You're missing my point, Darcy."

She wiped at her eyes. "And you aren't listening to mine. I can't _write_ for...for..." She covered her mouth with her head and shook her head. "All the mistakes he pointed out." She started to struggle to her feet. "I need to fix them."

Clint caught her and gently pushed her up against Ian. "Hey, hey. No." He smoothed her hair back behind her ear. "Listen to me. He likes your writing, mistakes or no, he has kept reading what you write. He has you subscribed to, Darcy. Even I know that makes your little writer heart go pitter patter."

Darcy sniffed and relaxed more against Ian's chest. "Yeah." She gave a wane smile. "He likes my stuff?"

Ian made a pleading face at Clint above Darcy's head.

Clint nodded. "He comments, doesn't he?"

Darcy straightened up. "He does." She nodded to herself. "If he's okay with it than I'm okay."

"Thata girl." Clint patted her on the shoulder. "He had a crappy day today. Think maybe you could write him something cute. You've got a word for it...Puffy? Right?"

Darcy rolled her eyes and punched Clint on the arm. "Fluff, you turd. And you knew that. Stop pretending to be dumb just to try to cheer me up. I need alcohol." She turned her head to yell down the hallway. "Thor! I am in need of some mead!"

Clint winced and started to edge away. "Uhm. I'll just got look for the runaway Bulgesnipe." 

Darcy caught his arm. "Oh, no. You caused this. You get to discuss pairings and kinks he seems to like with me and you are going to grammar edit my drunk writing."

Ian patted Clint on the back as Darcy started to drag them both down the hall.

****

Steve didn't get time to worry about much of anything other than not dying for a while. He fought _Bucky_ and could vaguely remember the world going dark in cold water again. When he finally woke up again he was in the hospital with Sam hovering in a nearby chair. He listened to Sam's music long enough for Sam to go to sleep before asking a nurse if he could have a phone. 

He called JARVIS from the corded phone she brought over and felt out of place in time very acutely as he held the cord up off of Sam's bent head, where he was sleeping against Steve's bed. Smiling at JARVIS insisting that Tony was insisting a StarkPad be couriered to him right away, Steve asked if losing his own phone meant losing all his bookmarks, since he'd used the browser's bookmarking system and not the fansites' systems.

Steve sighed as he hung up the phone. "You can quit pretending to sleep now."

Sam sat up. "You don't really need the pop culture crash course, do you?"

Steve shrugged. "Sort of. I know more fanfiction slang than most anything else. I can flip between the story and a search page to tell me what something is when I don't know. Movie references are more difficult because I really need to start from so far back to get all the built in jokes from later on that it almost isn't worth the trouble."

Sam nodded. "Alright. I can see that. Fanfiction, huh?"

"Yes." Steve adjusted his IV line. "Everything is tagged. I can usually tell if I'm going to like or hate something from just the collection of tags and writer's are usually overly cautious about warnings or are upfront that they refuse to use warnings, which means I can avoid the things that would bother me much more easily."

Sam cocked an eyebrow. "And what are you reading since you aren't watching movies?"

"What fandoms, you mean?" Steve shrugged. "Mostly stuff about the Avengers because I at least know all the names."

"Fandoms?" Sam rubbed at the side of his face. "Okay. I'm not awake enough for this discussion. I'm going to get coffee."

Steve watched him go and waited patiently for Natasha to slip through the door. "Hi."

"Hey there, sailor."

Steve rolled his eyes. "I was Army not Navy."

Nat grinned. "So easy." She jerked her thumb in the direction Sam had disappeared. "He not know anything about fanfiction?"

"Doesn't look like it and no, you may not start him off with hardcore encounters, Nat."

Nat pouted. "You are no fun."

Steve sighed as he thought of Bucky. "Yeah, I know."

Nat patted his leg. "I've asked someone I know for what can be gotten on him."

Steve shook his head lightly. "And you wonder why everyone thinks you know everything all the time."

"You just make it easy sometimes, Steve."

"You knew it was Peggy's picture on the bunker wall?"

Natasha blinked. "She...uh, that makes sense." She wrinkled her nose at him. "No, thanks, I didn't. I knew it was someone you didn't want to talk about, but then that's you with anything from the forties that isn't correcting Darcy on her writing."

"Darcy?"

Nat sat down in the chair Sam had been using. "So, same day we were trying not to get blown up, Clint might have accidentally let it slip to Darcy, who is Thor's Jane's intern, that she's been writing you porn."

"Smut."

"Right." Nat pinched the skin at his wrist. "Keep up, Cap. She freaked out some, got drunk, wrote you drunk...smut, and made Clint edit it. Please be nice when you finally get to comment on it. She's been worrying, but Clint explained we were half-blown up and that bought you a few days." Nat passed him her phone.

Steve read quickly. "Oh, her. She's...nice." He glanced up. "She's still writing?"

"It took a few false starts, but yes, she's writing."

"Good. I'd hate for her to stop just because of one person. Sometimes I want to smack people for what they say. I saw someone comment once that her tentacle porn was stupid because she hadn't included male pregnancy."

Sam stopped at the end of Steve's bed. "So. I take it I'm involved with crazy people, is that it? I mean, male pregnancy, really?"

Nat took her phone back from Steve and grabbed Sam's arm. "Come on. I'll give you a fanfiction primer and we'll let Steve nap before his StarkPad and new phone get here."

"JARVIS said tomorrow morning."

Nat snorted as she pulled Sam towards the door. "Right. Like Tony didn't have me a new phone with all my proper settings within an hour of the flaming mess going down over the Potomac. He only waited so long on you because he wasn't sure you actually lost yours."

****


	7. Bookmarks can be private?

****

Darcy had almost given up on getting another comment from _Captain America_ on the drunk smut, but she'd been repeating to herself that he'd been hurt and hadn't gotten to read it yet. She stared at the comment and frowned. "Clint!"

Clint skidded around the corner like she'd yelled...well, okay she'd been pretty panicky sounding when she replayed it in her head.

"You okay? What's wrong?"

Darcy tipped her head back. "Is there a way to tell if Captain America is an imposter or something?"

"What?" Clint leaned over her shoulder and read the comment. "Okay. So, what's wrong? He liked it." Clint pointed. "He said so and everything?" He squinted down at her. "Why are you making the hurt face?"

Darcy frowned up at him as she narrowed her eyes. "I don't have a 'hurt' face."

"Totally do so."

She rolled her eyes. "Fine." She leaned her head back into his nice tight stomach muscles and pressed back just enough to feel him be solidly there. "He didn't correct anything."

Clint's eyebrows went up. "Okay." He tilted his head. "Huh." He leaned forward to read the comment again and Darcy lost her nice Clint-pillow until he shifted back again. "I'll call Nat."

"See! It isn't just me."

"Maybe he just can't type and Nat translated for him."

Darcy propped her chin on her hand as Clint moved away to make his call. She flicked through her account to the stats page and made faces at the low, low amount of kudos compared to hits that her smut always got. Maybe she shouldn't have written it.

She sat up straight. No, no. She'd been through all that drunk with her very own intern making noises about how great her writing was on one side while Clint groused about her comma usage on the other side. Of course, most of Ian's enthusiasm could probably be traced to Darcy being willing to write his prompts on the kinkmeme when no one else would, though she'd seen upwards of seven 'seconds' and 'camped out here' comments on some of them.

Darcy mouthed the edge of her thumb as she reminded herself not to bite her nails while she waited on Clint to be done.

****

Natasha really wanted to just hit people sometimes. It'd be so much easier to just knock them out and put them where they needed to be. Like now. With Steve and a hospital nurse arguing over a wheelchair and hospital policy.

Her glee at getting a phone call is why it turned out to be Clint with a new Darcy-crisis. She tucked herself against the nearest wall and made noncommittal noises at him until Clint started actually making sense.

"So, she thinks the comment isn't from him just because he didn't say anything was wrong? Seriously?"

"Nat, _I_ don't think it was him after reading that comment. Was he drugged? Did you write it for him? If you did, I've got to say you need to work on your..."

"Do not finish that sentence." She could almost _hear_ Clint's smile over the phone line. "He was half-asleep, but not drugged. I watched him type it out. He was concerned she might stop writing because of him and he really doesn't want her to just quit."

"Okay." Clint sighed. "I'll try to explain that to her."

"Explain something to me."

"Sure."

Nat made sure Steve was too busy arguing to be listening to her at the same time. "Why do people argue about the wheelchair out of the hospital? It's sometimes policy, and you get to be lazy for all of three minutes. Why is that hard for people?"

"Would you let a stranger push you around in a wheeled chair you have little control over?"

"Fair point." She eyed Sam across the fight because he looked like he was about to intervene and she didn't want to miss anything. "I need to go. Ask Darcy to write me a threesome. Oooh, maybe Steve, Peggy, and Bucky. I want to see him blush."

"You don't need to see him blush more, but I'll see what I can get you."

She grinned as she disconnected the call.

****

Somewhere near a museum, in a small library with free internet, a haggard looking man stared at a computer screen. He was trying to work out who he might really be. The mass of information presented to him by the search function was not well catalogued.

After clicking through several sources and not liking them for not being relevant, he found a cleanly indexed source with helpful labels that allowed him to find information on the _man who knew him_. He knew...had known? He thought he knew the man.

He carefully read through the first story and only after reading the comments at the bottom found that it was not historical, but fiction. He reread the comment about the uniforms not having zippers. He... _remembered_ buttons. Sewing a button, brown and small, back into place for...for...

He frowned at the computer screen and scrolled back up to the labels. There. _Gabe_. It had been the dark skinned man, Gabe. He huffed at being able to remember the button better than the man it had been sown for.

He opened an account to be able to bookmark things and started reading through the list. Everything that reminded him of something went into the bookmarks with what it reminded him of. He didn't care if it was fictional if it helped him remember. He only stopped when the library closed for the night.

****

Tony frowned at the notification from JARVIS. "You're shitting me, right?" He waved a hand. "No. Right, sorry, J." He clicked through the bookmarks on IKnewHim's account. The man obviously didn't know about the little private bookmark checkbox and what it did. "J, make them all private and keep up with him from now on. Where'd he access the site from?"

Tony frowned at the closeness of the library to the Smithsonian. "Keep him in your sights, J." He rubbed his head. "Don't tell the others. I'm thinking he needs some space. Keep Veronica on stand-by though. If we really have to we can trap him in her long enough to get somebody to him."

"I do not believe Veronica will be required, Sir."

"Neither do I, but better safe than sorry. He is Steve's best bud and I'm not going to let him get snatched back up without a fight." Tony cocked his head as the bookmarks disappeared off the publicly assessable lists. "Mask his account name if he figures out the kudos button."

"I will endeavor to hide Mr. Barnes from the sole surviving friend he has that will be looking for him."

With a sigh, Tony reached for his coffee cup. "Don't guilt trip me. It won't work."

"Of course not, Sir."

Tony huffed into his cup and took a gulp. He muttered under his breath as he went back to the fifteen projects he needed to finish.

****

Writing took Darcy's mind off the terrible, awful, wonderful idea that _Captain America_ worried he'd upset her with his correcting enough to make her stop writing. Having a writing prompt kept her mind off the idea that an _Avenger_ had given her said prompt. She usually didn't write female smut of any sort because she didn't like her options for names of lady's body parts. They were either nasty words that knocked her out of the scene or they were so frigging flowery that she wrinkled her nose at it, which amounted to the same problem.

It made writing a threesome for Natasha decidedly hard. Darcy thought she could get away with having Steve and Bucky put on a show for Peggy without getting too many flames claiming she just wanted slash in the f/m/m tag. She'd asked Clint about what Nat might like best and he'd shrugged, the useless lump. The thing was, she figured Peggy would've cuddled regardless of her involvement in the messy bits and that meant nakedness or at least less clothing, which meant undies, which was a problem.

Darcy knew there'd been a silk shortage and nylon had gone to the war effort, so Peggy had probably been drawing on her seam while out in the field if she'd been in a dress, but if she'd been dressing up in a dress for her boys, wouldn't she have gone to the trouble to hunt down stockings or something? She'd been a practical woman, so she'd have had a dress regardless of if she'd worn pants running around in a war. Darcy would have worn pants, so she figured Peggy probably might have? How deep had the gender conventions of the time been? If she had been in a dress and stockings there would have been a garter belt, but how would that work with panties? Did they come off first? That seemed dumb if you needed to pee, but then no one had ever really cared about a female's comfort as far as Darcy could figure.

Then there was the bra. Darcy knew they weren't designed like now and she knew they'd have clasps or something, but she didn't want to get it wrong, but she also couldn't get Google to cough up the right information.

She sighed and went to flop down on Ian. Maybe if she wrote post-orgasm it'd be better.

****


End file.
